Advice to the Literary Mafia

Pack your heat in the back. It fits into the small of your back and doesn't show as easily as under the pit or down front (Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?).

Easy on the gelato: you gotta fit behind your desk to write there.

Don't EVER ask about what happened to Uncle Louie. There was a disagreement about the objective correlative. That's all you need to know.

IBM, no. Olivetti, yes.

Sanka, no. Espresso, duh.

When dining out, get a seat in the back, and always, always sit with your back to the wall.

Anyone caught reading Nicholas Sparks is outta the family. Period.

Similarly, the last person who gave the Don a Tom Clancy book for Christmas woke up with a horse's head in his bed. Nuff said.

When reading Pound, always go with a red.

Finally, avoid the Gambinos. They'll only try to strong-arm you into "admitting" that Italo Calvino was the twentieth century's greatest writer.

Ciao.